creative ingenuity

In highschool I used to write long winded phrases on post it notes and stick them to my friend Denzil's back.

Right between his shoulder blades, so he couldn't reach it no matter what reaching technique he used.

When that happens to me, I rub my back against the corner of my desk at work. SHOULDA THOUGHT OF THAT, DENZIL.

Well, I mean, when my back is itchy, no one stick post-its to my back at work. I ASSUME.

1. "I'm really uncreative so I named my scottish terrier Scott, and my jack russell terrier Jack."

2. "I'm really rich and I'm always tanned but my girlfriend left me so I hate myself."

"Kick me" just lots its charm.

2 things that make me uncomfortable:

1. When some candy/food that I absolutely loved to eat on a regular basis gets discontinued. Presumably this is due to bad business decisions and lack of capital on the producer's part, but I alllllways wonder, if its because this shit I've been eating is actually very harmful, toxic, or cancer causing.

CASE AND POINT: Orbits drinks. Who didn't love those?

Gone forever :(

NUMBER TWO:

When I buy an item of clothing from a store at full price, and think its very cute, and then a month later, find a whole bunch of said items marked down to about 30% of what I paid.

And all "Shit, I could have spent so much less on this!" aside,

I wonder why the store has has so much trouble selling the item,

and then I wonder

Whats wrong with MY fashion sense?

AND SINCE THIS BLOG ENTRY ISN'T ENTERTAINING AT ALL:

(Click to view larger version)

Here is a tidbit I found when I stumbled upon a website devoted entirely to really screwed up pornography.

And when I say stumbled, I mean stumbled, I really just have seen the entire internet.

AND I HAVE SNEEZED 6 times since starting this blog entry. Colds for the loss.

Mama always said not to talk to strangers.

Dear diary:

Yesterday I hit a car stopped at a stop light.

THE SLOWEST HIT EVER. I just rollllllled into him at a good 5 km/h. No damage but he wanted to exhange information at the next residential turn-off. I agreed.

What I should have done, was just DRIVE AWAY.

Moral fibre: USELESS.

I'm hoping nothing comes of it, because not a scratch was left on either car.

BUT THATS NOT THE POINT of this blog entry:

DEAR DIARY (For real):

Yesterday Heather and I dressed up to the 9s and decided to go out for O'byrnes customer appreciation night.

We consumed many hot wings, and stable amounts of alcohol. All in all: a good night!

We decide to leave O'byrnes and head to the Billiard Club, and as we're crossing the street, a car drives by and "WOOOOOO"s at us.

Yeah, women in short dresses in winter, I know.

Anyway, he drives past us as he yells "YEAH LADIES! You're lucky I'm driving!"

Lucky because... if he wasn't driving he'd sexually assault us?

He keeps driving, and I yell "DON'T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME!"

This is a pretty staple line in my humour roster.

I figure this quick exchange is done with, and we keep crossing the street, when SUDDENLY

the car stops driving!

The driver must have pulled the e-brake, because he whips the car back around and starts driving towards us again!

Heather tells me not to yell at strange cars.

I say "RUN"

and promptly lose one of my heels in the snow.

Seriously? Ugh.

ALSO: Today my mother and I went to the Italian market for cheese and olives (my favourite!)

They have a bunch of other imported things there, like russian bottled water and lithuanian bread.

They also have an apparently popular candy from Germany: marzipan potatoes.

These things taste amazing, but it still strikes me as interesting that the Germans would think of making potato shaped candy. The kids go crazy for it!

Here is a communist russian joke: What did one potato say to the other?

Answer: Premise ridiculous, why have two potatoes?

Seriously, the realism of these potatoes is astounding. Go technology.

Family Dynamics

Family moments:

My dad and my mom are in a heated discussion about where the jar of cashews have gone.

They don't know where it is, and my mom is yelling to my dad, who is in the kitchen, yelling to my mom.

I finally clue into their conversation and say that I saw the cashews in the fridge.

"OHHH RIGHT, I put them in there!" - Mother

"Tina, I think you're nuts!" - Father.

CUE LARISSA FROM THE TV ROOM DOWN THE HALL:

"AAAAHHH HAHAHA, that was a pun!"

Silence.

"We all heard what I said, I think we should laugh in acknowledgement."

Silence.

"It was funny!"

And my dad says, "No one got it, Larissa."

Well why not!

This was almost as bad as the time my dad and mom were bickering, and a smartie fell out of his pocket, and after questioning why there would be a smartie in his pocket at all, I yelled BECAUSE HE'S A SMARTIE PANTS.

Nooooo respect for good humour in this house.

Red flags make me angry.

Last night, Kylie, Heather, and I went out to a "Fire and Ice" party, where we had to dress up in red and yellow (fire), and men dressed up in blue and white (ice.)

One of the characters from MTV's Peak Season, Dre, was DJing, and while he was a little tool-ish with all the women grabbing onto him, he was actually a super good DJ.

BUT THAT'S NOT MY POINT.

Point is, I have apparently found a new way to freak out men at the bar.

Why do I do this?

Obsoive:

"Hey, I really like your nose ring!"

"Oh really? Thanks! Most people think I'm a lesbian, but I'm not."

"What are you then?"

[Author's note: I guess he wants me to say 'bi-sexual' or something.]

"A Spanish Bull." - Larissa.

He looks at me.

I kick at the ground with my right foot.

Later his friend and him say they're going to be right back, but COME ON, we know they won't.

I am almost saddened by my craziness.

As well, I went off on a rant to Kylie and Heather about HEY LOOK AT THAT GUY, HE'S WEARING YELLOW, IS HE GAY OR SOMETHING? GIRLS ARE SUPPOSED TO WEAR YELLOW, NOT GUYS.

Kylie and Heather look at the man I'm pointing at.

"No, Larissa, he's security."

Mandatory yellow uniform. Bah.

+ A photo depicting why math geeks have trouble with successful relationships:

Life's little mysteries

1. Yesterday I put on glitter eyeliner. This excited me to no ends because I am addicted to glitter.
Glitter knows what's up.

Anyway, point being,
I thought it looked really great, in a non-10-year-old-in-the-crafts-department-of-zellers way, until I looked into the sun, and the thin layer of glitter on my upper eyelid BURST INTO A THOUSAND RAYS OF SUNSHINE.

The only solution was pink plastic aviators, which I did decide to take off whilst visiting the Law Courts Building, unfortunately, gotta keep up appearances.

And SPEAKING OF WHICH, they put your belongings through an x-ray security check before you enter, did you know that?
Apparently I have a penchant for carrying copious amounts of forks and spoons in my purse. I did NOT know that,
but now I do,
since the security woman pointed out this fact, slightly wary.
I don't plan to jab anyone to death!

"You have lots of forks in there."
"Yes, well.. I don't do the dishes too often?"

So THAT'S where all the cuttlery went!


2. Why is it, that when I open up a tin of yogurt, in that suspsenseful moment where I'm peeling back the foil lid of it; when I grasp the corner and slowly pull the tab away from me, my yogurt always PEW PEWs me?

I realize I should learn to just open up my yogurt towards me so that I am not in its line of fire, but why does it spit yogurt at me?

In my fantasy world where every inanimate object has fangs and wants to be my friend, I am severely irked by this issue.

3. Yesterday my boss asked me why most of my friends are guys.
"Because girls are dumb." - Larissa.

Well?
I MEAN, WELL...?
Pause for reflection.
My boss just laughs.
Darin says, "I thought you were a feminist?"

I thought so too. :(
Maybe I'm just a bitch.

From the vault

Sometimes, when I'm talking to my mother about my childhood, I realize that I was always an interesting kid.

I mean, all issues of playing the "Inner City Drug Dealing" game with the neighbour kids aside..

and when I would set up a fake psychologist's office in our living room, and try to cure my mother of ridiculous phobias I told her she had..

My mother was telling me a story about those indoor playground fun groups they had for little kids.

Like there would be lots of toys, pedal cars and stuff, and all the stay at home moms would bring their toddlers there to play.

I didn't go often. I wasn't the most social kid when I was young, and generally kept to myself.

Apparently one day I really didn't want to deal with anyone, because my mother brought me to the play group, set me free, and I promptly found myself one of those plastic turtle sandboxes.

Y'know, round and green, and the turtle shell was the lid?

Scene:

Young Larissa, 2 years old, with 20 of her toddler comrads playing in a room filled with deightful toys!

Larissa steps away from her mother,

she looks around, take in the surroundings.. and... A SAND BOX.

But there's no sand in it, its just a beautiful empty turtle sandbox!

What on earth could I do with this? Perhaps innitiate a game of hide and seek? Maybe pretend its a boat? A car?

Nein.

I open the lid, climb inside, close the lid, and stay there.

For 2 hours.

And when my mother tried to get me out, Larissa, do you want to play with the other kids?

No thanks ma'am, I'm just going to scream a little, and close the lid to my sandbox again, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

TWO HOURS?

Report card: Does not play well with others.

SLM Reunion Night!

Tonight everyone's favourite mafia went out for dinner and a movie!

Kylie, HB and I hit up our regular spot, Famoso's, for consuming of the pizza, and harassing of the manager.

We do this every time we go, so now the manager knows us and always comes to our table to joke around.

As per usual, I of course hassled the shit out of him. I don't mean to! Its instinct; its my way of being friendly!

We are talking about how Heather is Italian, and the manager says how his sister is married to an Italian.

"Oh, you're Italian by blood then," says Heather, "OH WAIT, I mean, by association."

"Yeah," says the Manager, "I mean, I haven't had sex with him or anything"

CUE LARISSA: "HEY MAN, don't rule it out!"

Annnnnd the manager goes "OHHHHhhhKayyyy.." and slowly backs away.

Ugh!

Later, at the till, we're paying and talking about how far away our friend Cassie lives.

She lives really far away.

Both Kylie and I agree she lives, approximately, out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere.

"Yeah," says Larissa, "So you KNOW theres going to be bum fucking going on."

These things seem intelligent to say at the time.

And both the manager at the till, AND the man standing behind us seem to cringe.

I'm a charmer!

Heather also gave a delightful speech during dinner about when its okay to hit a girl, sparked by this amazing animation from Jersey Shore.

She says "Yeah, It wasn't like it was just a shut up punch, he put all of his strength behind it."

"What are you, Rihanna? Its always a real punch." - Larissa

"NOOOO no no, I mean, like a shut up SLAP." - Heather

"No, Heather, I think you're just digging yourself a hole, here." -Kylie and Larissa COMBO

I mean, every once in a while...

Today I also bought a shirt that said "Bitch is the new black" on it, hooray!

I was going to buy one that said "Does it look like I give a fuck?" on it, but I apparently gave too much of a fuck about how unflattering it looked on me.

I guess I love obnoxious t-shirts. Next stop: Ed Hardy!

UNRELATED BLOG TITLES

Today my furnace is broken.

This is inconvenient because it is BLOODY COLD outside.

Another half hour passes by, another sweater goes on.

All this furnace fun has reminded me of a father moment, which are surely my favourite type of moments.

SCENE: Speaking with Heather about my day

Larissa: "Today my dad put holy water on me."

Heather: "Hahaha what the hell, why?"

"He got it from some highschool leadership conference. I was sitting in the kitchen and he was talking about what he should do with it: take it out to the lake, or leave it at home. I encouraged him to take it to the lake lot."

"Naturally."

"... and then next thing I know my back is WET and its COLD so I scream."

"Hahah."

"...and then I yelled 'IT BURNS, It burns!!'

I don't know if he got the joke."

Becky says I have a hard time recognizing what is funny to everyone, and what is only funny to me.

ONWARD:

Today my car wouldn't start. I was supposed to meet with a client at 8 AM sharp today, so naturally it doesn't start, when I wake up early to specifically ensure I get to work on time.

I didn't succeed.

And the client spent an hour telling me to never get married, anyway.

Well, first he asked me if I was already married. I scoffed and quickly told him no;

How old do I look? Me, married? Yeah, maybe to the Man Tracker, but that's it.

He looks at me,

"Is there something wrong with your neck? Why are you wearing a scarf?"

What?

I tell him nothing's wrong, I'm just cold.

Pause.

He giggles!

I bet he thinks I have hickies. >:(

I bet he thinks I am an un-married, hickied, young HOOLIGAN.

And the furnace blows once again! I must cuddle with the heat register.

A tale of moderate consequence.

Today at work I was talking about a female client we had who was really shy.

I was saying while I was talking to her about her divorce, she barely spoke a word.

"Wow, an untalkative woman? THOSE EXIST?" - says Darin from the other room.

Ha ha, Darin!

"Well, Darin, if you're looking for a quiet date, she's back on the market!"

Divorce Law; the best place to find a new girlfriend.

Today's random image is.. related!

And since I should address the fact that "Geekologie Writer" is written at the top right hand of this graph, I might as well mention: its a delightful blog where I find interesting things to post.