I had such dreams

Today during lunch hour I sat silently contemplating my life, mostly the lack of chocolate bar in my life, and I decided to pay a visit to the vending machine.

I thumbed through my change purse to find the $1.50 needed, and came to the revelation that I'm gonna pay for as much of the charge in dimes as possible, just to spite the vending machine, because it keeps giving me back dimes and nickels in change.

SO FRUSTRATING.

C'MON VENDING MACHINE, I KNOW YOU HAVE SOME QUARTERS IN THERE.

Personal vendetta.

Natasha comes with me to the vending machines, and we each station ourselves in front of one.

I begin placing dimes in the slot, and it takes the first 3, but decides my 4th dime just ain't good enough for it.

VENDING MACHINE, SRSLY..

I start forcefully putting the same dime in the coin slot over and over saying TAKE IT, TAKE IT and eventually the machine complies.

I yell over to Natasha, "Ya just gotta be forceful with the things."

I know my machines.

When I look to Natasha, she stands facing me, full of remorse.

She says to me, she says, that the machine has stolen her toonie. She presses the coin return button but nothing comes out.

"Don't worry Natasha, I got this," I say, and I slam the heel of my palm down onto the coin return button.

Jingling of coins is heard, but nothing in the change slot.

Another press. Nothing.

I slam my palm down onto the button again and hit my hip against the glass and

and

AND

SUCCESS.

Natasha makes congratulatory noises.

"YOU JUST GOTTA SHOW IT WHO'S BOSS" I say

to a crowded hallway.

"I feel like I'm treating these machines like my hoes. :( " I say.

to a crowded hallway.

Stares ensue.

ON A RELATED NOTE: I once took a career aptitude test that said I'd make a delightful vending machine operator.

Who knew!

Equality for All

DEAR DIARY

Last night I attended the a birthday party at one of the local hot spots, by which I mean a billiards pub in a strip mall. S'HOW WE ROLL.

I'm at the bar buying the birthday girl, Elyse, a shot, when we are accosted by a young drunk man who wants to buy us some drinks.
We get into a lively conversation about my septum ring, and he's amazed how I can flip it up and be BUSINESS and then flip it down and be PARTY TIME. (His words, not mine.)
He makes me show the bartender.

ANYWAY
NEWAIZ
AnYwHo000000

I tell the guy we want some Dirty Hooker shots, which as far as I know is just red sour puss and vanilla ripple, but I love using the "No, the drink, not the ones under the bar" joke.
(The best thing about randoms at the bar is I get to use my golden jokes OVER AND OVER ON DIFFERENT PEOPLE)
((AND WHATS UP WITH AIRLINE FOOD?))

We drink the shots and at this point I guess he decides to figure out if Elyse or I are single, and he asks us where our boyfriends are.
Elyse points hers out right away, and I look around... I can't find mine.

IT DOESN'T MEAN I don't have a boyfriend, he's just not in my visual vicinity!
Let a man roam, I say!
But before I can account for my lack of male counterpart, the random figures me out:
"Wait a second.. you're a lesbian, aren't you!"
Elyse tells him that YES, YES SHE IS.

The guy erupts into self-congratulatory laughter: "I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!"
"Just because of my nose ring?" I say. C'mon man.
"You walked in with that girl with the short hair didn't you! She's your girlfriend!"

This guy has all the stereotypes down pat! JUST BECAUSE SHE HAS SHORT HAIR???

I decide to play this up a bit and pull the 'you better not be offended with my alternative lifestyle!' card. I let him know there's "NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A LESBIAN OKAY?"
"No man, no man, that's awesome. A little of this, a little of that... Awesome." (Cue hand gestures to depict what this and that mean) ... and he high fives me, telling me to have a good night.





LATER I TALK TO ALIX, OUR FRIEND WITH THE SHORT HAIR:
"So that guy at the bar totally thinks you're my girlfriend and I didn't correct him. He's pretty creepy so I'm gonna need you to roll with it on this one."