BOOTS WITH DA FURRRRRRR

This weekend I went out on the town with Becky and Benjamin. We did out-on-the-town stuff, like dance to the Ghost Busters theme.

Becky decides it would be a good idea to forcefully slap my ass. She obviously doesn't have proper hand positioning, as she managed to thoroughly injure her index finger while doing so. At first I didn't believe her but WHOA NELLY it was swollen.

My ass feels proud.

Later on Becky tells the story to our friend Brendan, throwing in a tidbit that goes something like "Larissa must have buns of steel!" Obviously needing to verify the statement, I told Brendan how I used to have to do 100 squats per kickboxing class as a warm-up.

Brendan looks at me, "Larissa when is the last time you've done an actual proper squat?"

(Its general knowledge I left kickboxing classes before they were done due to hand injury/laziness.)

SO BRENDAN LOOKS AT ME, RIGHT.

Who does he think he is, questioning my physical exercise routines?

I pause to consider an accurate answer, look back up at him, and say:

"Well last night I guess, while I was dancing to 'Apple Bottom Jeans'"

Pic unrelated: How dirty is your mind?

Can't trust children

On Saturday this weekend I went to the mall with Ben and his friend Ameil, to help them buy clothes with my impeccable female taste.

Later, Ameil was getting his hair cut and Ben and I were waiting on the chairs in the lobby of the salon. A woman walked past us to pay up front for her haircut, and her daughter trails behind her.

I don't usually like kids, I'll admit, but when they're all of 2 years of age and haven't learned to have their own opinions yet they're SOOOOO CUTE.

Ben waves to the little girl and she stops, wide-eyed, and waves back to him.
Cue Larissa going "OHHHHH SO CUUUUTE."

The little girl walks up to her mother, who's about to leave, and Ben says to the little girl "Where are you going? Home?"

The little girl stares back at us again, and slowly raises her arm. I figure she's going to wave goodbye to us, but that's when she closes her fingers, one by one, until only her index is raised, and she points upwards towards the sky.

Ben and I go "OH SO CUTE" again, but really, I was thinking "SHE'S AN ALIEN!"

Tales from the Crypt Keeper

DEAR DIARY, THIS WEEKEND I MADE SHENANIGANS WITH HB AS USUAL.
THE FOLLOWING THINGS HAPPENED:

We go to Hudson's with a few friends, and decide to go outside to get some air. We're standing on the street corner and Heather says she's cold, so I do my maternal duty: put my arms around her and rub her back to warm her up.
Its what friends do, okay!

As we're standing there, our friend Derrick lets us know that the cab driver situated right beside us is watching our tender moment, creepily.

Never passing up a chance to weird people out, I keep rubbing Heather's back.
Then I lock eyes with the cab driver
and start mime-spanking Heather and nodding to him.
Heather clues in and plays along.

Cab promptly drove away. Some people can't take the heat.

TALE NUMBER 2!
We are taking a cab home after a delightful night of dancing, and the driver is playing top 40 songs on the radio.

Now I'm not the biggest top 40 fan in the world, but sometimes you can't fight the beat.
Sometimes you can't BEAT UP THAT BEAT, am I right?

ANYWAY OKAY.
So we're taking the cab home and the driver cranks the music for us, as we sing Katy Perry songs in the back seat. Some new song comes on that I apparently love and I'm pullin' out my best still-sitting-in-the-backseat dance moves.
As we pull up to the next stop light, the driver turns around and asks me if I'd like to get out of the car, to dance on the street instead of in his cab.
I mean, a girl's gotta have some freedom of movement, right?
Dejected, I said no, I was good, and toned down my raising of the roof.

Can't stop the party!

In other news:

Ways to Hit on Someone

#1: The Wrong Way

Walking down the street the other day with Becky, we approached two men our age, who appeared way too drunk for a Wednesday evening.
(HEY, we all gotta let loose sometimes, right?)

As we pass by them, I know one of them is gonna say something, so I gear up for STRANGER-TALK (My favourite!)

"HEY, can I buy you girls some breakfast?" yells one of the men. I hate when guys do this. Breakfast now? Or breakfast in the morning after you've successfully brought me home? I AIN'T SO SLOW, DRUNK MAN.

"FOR SURE, BUDDY, give me a call some time!" I yell back at him, as Becky keeps ushering me further down the sidewalk.
"But I don't have your number!" Smart cookie, this one.
"Sure you do, its written on the bus-stop bench two blocks down the street!"
"Oh. Thanks!"

/EVADED


#2. The Right Way:

Larissa:
My friend picked me up while I was outside and attempted to carry me inside the bar again, but since he's 6'3" he almost rammed my head into the top of the door frame, but I grabbed onto the door and went "NO!

Jon:
I'm like 6'5" so id bump your head into the heavens where you belong baby

Making new friends

Dear Diary:

On Friday I went to see Richard Vission for the 2nd time courtesy of Easylove/The Internationals. I need to take a dance-party break, as I'm starting to become broke, and sick. Irresponsibility FTW!

ANYWHO,
Afterwards I volunteer my cab-hailing skills to end the night, and while doing my signature hand-wave, a passing homeless man strikes up a conversation.

(OKAY, maybe he wasn't homeless, but just really enjoyed 2-AM walks and smelling dirty. Anything goes.)

Homeless-man, seeing that my cab hailing skills are not generating any success, he says to me: "Pretty girl like you shouldn't have any problems getting a cab!"

I can see Heather look at me like she doesn't want me to respond to this guy, but I can't pass up a conversation!

"I KNOW MAN, but its peak hours or something!" says Larissa
"Well just throw a little leg out," - says Mr. Man.

I look down at my ensemble. I'm wearing a a short black and teal dress with some black tights to ensure proper ass-coverage with a dress that short.
(PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT TO SKANKY 18 YEAR OLDS: WEAR SOME.)

ANYWAY

"Well just throw a little leg out," - says the man,
and I look down,
and I look back at him,
and with the most serious face/angry voice I could conjure I say "I'm wearing leggings."

LIKE CAN'T YOU SEE, BUDDY?

Heather promptly lets me know I need to STOP TALKING TO RANDOM MEN, and I finally wave down a cab. Must have been the leg I threw out when she grabbed me away from the conversation.


In other news I had a great dream about a panda bear and a hippopotamus fighting to the death in a lake.

Pic unrelated.

Outta-Context Facebook Chat Moments

Kenny

haha ya how the fuck did you end up at the same party as that cool guy

Larissa

It was a friend of my coworker. He's the cousin of the guy who's house it was. So strange! He was actually nice, we went through a nature book together as I yelled "FUCK THOSE SNAKES" and "YEAH MAN I LOVE SHARKS"

DARLINGS, I'M BACK

I've taken a long hiatus from my blog for reasons of: Fun shit only happens when I'm drunk.

And yes, yes, I could always conveniently fail to mention in my blog that I HAVE very well been drinking when this fun, bloggable shit happens, to keep all you NOSEY PARKERS with too much morale at bay.

BUT Y'KNOW.

I have become zen.

To prove my point, here is a story that doesn't have to do with drinking at all:

/fade to dream sequence

I have a habit of not having the ability for internal thought. Friends who hang around me enough will notice this when I have arguments with myself, or answer my own questions.

Similarly, given outlets such as twitter, and facebook statuses, I tend to write everything that comes to mind. /Check out my twitter for proofs.

APPARENTLY THIS IS ANNOYING.

Darin tells me one day, after seeing his news feed flooded with posts from HB and I, that he is blocking both of us from his front page so as to not have to see our incessantly stupid conversations. I was, how do you say... AGHAST.

a-ghast, -adjective. Struck with overwhelming awe or amazement.

Needless to say I was hurt.

Later that night I wrote a long winded message on HB's wall about how we should talk a lot of shit about Darin, since he can't see any of our updates anymore.

Darin signs online.

I says to Darin, I says: "Do you know what the main problem is with blocking us from your news feed?"

"What?"

"You can't see me talking shit about you on HB's wall."

"Damnit how do I put you back on my newsfeed!"

"Its too late, everyone thinks you're gay now."

Pic unrelated.