But maybe sometimes it does mean "insert"? I must be behind the times

HEY GUYS

Last weekend I visited the iced tea station some neighbourhood girls set up across the street. I purchased a HIGHLY MARKED UP cup of refreshement and a gumball. They were selling gumballs for 25 cents, and when I put my quarter into their toy gumball machine, I got a red one. They gasped, eyes wide.
"SHE GOT A RED ONE," they exclaimed.
Cool and collected, I nod my head, "Yes kids, when you're a grown up, you always get the red gumballs," thanked them for the iced tea and walked away. Might as well have put on some Horatio Cane sunglasses and played the CSI Miami theme song in the background.

Bet they can't wait for their 18th birthdays now!
Well that and the booze.

BUT THIS IS NOT MY STORY!


Today at work, I was helping an older lady pay for her purchase.  I don't know what it is about EVERYONE, EVER, but no one understands the process of using a debit card these days.
Everyone is so eager beaver about putting their card in the chip reader before the machine asks them to. This is not a new concept, is it? Machine says "Welcome/Bonjour" and then it says "Insert/Swipe Card" and you insert your card. Bing bang boom. My head asplode.

So the lady just forcefully shoves the ol' debit in the machine and I calmly tell her she'll need to take her card out and wait for the machine to prompt her.
Dejected, she is.
You see, an unknown fact is that I am in the business of life ruining. I ruin 100 lives per day. Sorry, we're out of stock of that product you're looking for. LIFE RUINED. I apologize the line was long for the cash register. LIFE RUINED. Oh you put your card in too fast? LIFE RUINED.

She looks at me stonefaced and says "But it says 'Welcome.'"

OH WELL THEN.

I look back at her.
I look at her, and I don't speak. But I contemplate this cryptic statement I have received.

Yes, it says Welcome. But "Welcome" does not mean "Insert"! If Welcome meant Insert I would have a horrible day, every day, welcoming customers to the store.


"Hi there! NO NO GET IT AWAY!"
"Welcome to the store! WHAT? I DON'T WANT YOUR PENIS."
Fist pumping in the bar, "Hey sexy lady." "Hello--- WAIT WHAT? GET YOUR CROTCH OFF MY THIGH."
Except the last one happens all the time to ladies in the bar.
Welcome does not mean insert.

I look back at her, and smile, and say "...You can go ahead and insert your card now."

Welcome does not mean insert. A metaphor that can be applied to all varieties of situations. A sudden epiphany; I feel serene.

Pic unrelated, unless he inserted when he was not welcome.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN RED LOBSTER IS CLOSED AT 3 AM?

HAY GUYZ

Today me and HB went to Red Lobster for our annual Red Lobster pig-out lunch.  We only do this once a year because Red Lobster is actually really gross and their tables are always dirty, or there's hair baked into the biscuits or some shit.

But we all know how I like to yell about Red Lobster when I drink so once a year we have to nip that nasty habit in the bud and just fuckin' go eat there.

This year's outing wasn't really eventful.

OH BUT FEAR NOT, GENTLE READERS, BECAUSE I HAVE A MEMORY ABOUT LAST YEAR TO SHARE.


Last year HB and I sat down and were munching on some salad while waiting for our orders to arrive.
HB spots two women eating lunch at the booth beside us, and motions for me to lean in across the table.
Tactfully quiet, she says to me "Hey, I think the women at the booth behind us are lesbians."

Normally in this situation I would very untactfully turn around to stare at them and make sure,
like the time I went out for dinner with some girls from school, and they said Oh wow, that girl that's walking in has such huge back combed hair, and I said "WHERE?" and turned around and when I made eye contact with the big haired girl went "OH WOW!" and then instantly whipped my head back around when I caught the evil eye from her.

BUT I DIDN'T DO THAT THIS TIME.

So she says to me she "Hey, I think the women at the booth behind us are lesbians."
And when I lean in towards HB, I say: "I bet they're saying the same thing about us."


Pic unrelated, unless you want to use it as an example of how obvious I am when checking out girls with back combed hair at restaurants.

Big gulps, hey? Well, see you later

Happy belated Canada day.
!!!

To celebrate Matt and his friends and I headed to the local park to watch fireworks. There's a large skatepark there that was just expanded, and all the young hooligans like to throw their old skate shoes onto a tall lamp post lighting the park. How neat is that?

That's pre' neat.

Matt and his friend start taking photos since there's a sunset in the background and liek, skateparks are neat.
SUDDENLY, two bike cops come riding up to us.
As they slow to a stop in front of us, one says "Hey guys. So.. taking pictures of kids, hey?"


Wait.. uh...

Everyone plays it cool while I surely already have my I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE look on my face already, but right as everyone is taking a deep inhale to protest, the cop says "Nah, I'm just kidding. You guys have a good night," and as he rides away, his partner rides through the bike ramps in the skatepark, all "Haters gon' hate" style.

'Cause when you're a cop.. sometimes you just gotta troll.

PIC IS RELATED?????