2 Tales of Consequence

Tales OF consequence? OUTRAGEOUS.

Number One:

There is a guy at school who always seems to be in the same hallway I am. I don't know why, but he's always around. He asked me for change for the vending machine once. Naturally I've noticed the fact that BRO IS ALWAYS WHERE I AM so I look at him, and inevitably we sometimes have awkward ugh shit we just had eye contact moment.

Its kinda unenjoyable.

(Aside: My spell check is saying "unenjoyable" is not a word but considering I've been using it for years I'm gonna keep truckin' on that one.)

Today I was with Natasha at the water fountain and Hallway Guy happens to walk by. OF COURSE.

Except this time he comes up to me and says "Hey how's it going?"

WHAT?

I tell him I'm fantastical, and make note of the fact he's always around and ask if I'm supposed to know him.

Somehow he manages to turn the conversation to breakfast, and asks me why I'm eating pretzels at 8:30 in the morning.

I tell him its because I hate flavour.

I said "I only ever eat pretzels and water with a bit of sugar mixed in for zip."

"Really?" he asks.

"Alright you got me, I use Splenda."

MAKING FRIENDS IS TOUGH.

Number 2:

Yesterday I was talking with my mother about how, despite the fact I see Matt a fair amount during exam time, I am actually doing schoolwork while I'm with him.

I says to my mother, I says:

"I mean when I'm with him I'm studying, I'm not just dicking my time away."

Pause for reflection.

Have I said something wrong?

My mother apparently doesn't catch on to the inadvertent pun I've just made, but no matter, I decide to make things uncomfortable anyway by saying "Wait, okay that was a bad phrase to use."

Mother stares back at me.

OHHHH LARISSA, MASTER OF THE AWKWARD.

Christmas/Ignorance

This is a conversation I had with HB, about realizing things you should have realized long ago:

Larissa: This is like how last week I realized the "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" song isn't about the mom totally cheating on the dad with santa

Heather: IT ISN'T?!

Larissa: Because the dad is DRESSED as santa!

Larissa: I was assuming the kid thinks SHIT MAN how am I gonna hide this from daddy!

Heather: Oh...well I knew that

And here I was thinking the mom was just a bit of a fame ho' for Christmas cheer.

And for all you crazy cats out there looking for some bangin' slow jams to make out with your special someone on a bearskin run in front of a fire to, I suggest: THIS

Smooth moves

So this weekend HB and I got drunk.

I AM NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT THIS, RANDOM PERSON WHO SOMETIMES COMMENTS AND SAYS I HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.

As drinking often causes, we decide to go to the washroom at the bar.

It is a two-stall washroom; HB takes the right stall.

I look at the left stall and notice that the door is closed, but I gingerly push on it to see if anyone is inside. Since the door opened, I assumed the stall was unoccupied..

UNTIL:
THERE IS A MAN STANDING THERE.
Just takin' a wee.
"OH!" says Larissa, "Sorry..." And I step back and close the door.

At this point the guy realizes his infraction and says "OH SORRY, is this the girl's bathroom?"

HB pipes up and asks him if he didn't notice the lack of urinals. He says he thought it was a little strange, but he really had to go.

Hey man, it happens.

This whole 'non-chalant conversation with a man in the women's washroom' thing is striking me as a little odd, but he finishes peeing, leaves the stall and begins washing his hands.

I step inside the now-unoccupied stall.

"Hey, do you girls still do that hovering thing?" the man asks as I close the door.

"Uh, sometimes..." I reply...

"K cool, I don't know if I peed on the seat or not."

REALLY?????

PUN MACHINE

Dear Diary,

Now that I've deactivated my facebook to try and focus on finals, (day 4 completed!) I have less of an outlet for writing all my fun daily updates about my day and now I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT THEM.

Case Study: Facebook Deactivation

Cons: I stare at a blank computer screen and read Miss Manners articles more often than usual

Pros: MOAR BLOG, MORE FOCUSIN'

THIS IS MY STORY FOR TODAY:

A guy in my class tells me how he spilled coke on his brand new textbook.

That sucks, brotha.

We don't really talk much so I guess he doesn't get my humour; this is how the exchange went down:

Guy: "So I spilled coke on my textbook last night."

Larissa: "That sucks, but couldn't you have just dusted it off?"

Guy: "Uh, no.. it stained the pages."

Larissa: "No, like... nevermind."

Cocaine humour, wasted on the young.