Next time I'll save the red ones for you

A couple days ago I accompanied my mother to Ikea and bought shit I don't need, mainly a hanger for all my scarves and a laundry hamper that is divided for lights/darks.

OKAY, okay, these things are moderately handy, but I also bought a big heart pillow with arms, which is not as fun to hug as I thought (must be the lack of hug reciprocation) and a bag of "swedish fish," which I was skeptical about at first but gave into their delicious candy potential.

Later that day, I get a call from Matt.

I offer to watch a movie with him in the evening. "I have candy," I say, "Gummy fish candy." (This sounds more appetizing in my head,) "Except I ate all the red ones because they taste the best so you only have an array of citrus to choose from now," I say.

Girlfriend of the year. I'm SOOOOOOO thoughtful.

WHICH GOT ME THINKING, RIGHT?

WHY do they feel the need to include one good flavour and 3 flavours no one even likes in most assorted candy packages?

Perhaps some of you like the orange candies. I am not judging you. Perhaps some of you even like a tad of lemon every once in a while.

But no one ever wants lime.

And guaranteed no one ever needs lemon AND lime, or occasionally LEMON-LIME flavouring (only if its in Mountain Dew form, plz.) So why do candy companies feel the need to provide both the yellow and the green?

And don't even get me started on when you give all your green coloured candy away because you hate lime and then realize you were giving away your green apple flavoured jolly ranchers ALL DAY LONG.

Hospital tales

Dear Diary:

For the last 3 days I've been sloggin' the trenches doing my clinical rotations at the hospital. My eyes have been opened to the wonders of stab wounds to the neck, doctors elbow deep in a woman's C-section, and people overdosing on drugs.

At one point, a very non-chalant doctor was discussing the state of a severely sedated, old male patient in ER. We were planning on rolling him to his side and a nurse asked us to wait as she applied some gloves to her hands, for safety purposes.

"Naw, don't bother putting gloves on," says the doctor, "I doubt this guy has gotten around."

Hey man, don't judge a patient by its cover!

Then the doctor pauses, and says "He does have a big dick though."

(I try my hardest to avert my eyes from patient genitalia.)

Then the doctor pauses again, and says "May just be from the edema."

TALE NUMBER TWO:

I'm in the elevator going down after finishing my shift. I hold the door for a patient and we make casual-talk as we're going down, (OOOOOH-errrrrr, JUST KIDDING EVERYONE HE WAS OLD AND HAD A MULLET.)

Anyway

The patient says to me "Its nicer weather out today."

I tell him I wouldn't know, I haven't been outside for 12 hours.

"Oh, long day then?" says the man. I nod my head.

"Man, what do you do with all your money?" he says.

OHHHH

Ohhhh I get it, he thinks I get paid. He thinks I don't work all these 12 hour shifts for free.

I couldn't bring myself to explain to him that I'm on practicum, and since I apparently get off on lying to strangers I turn to him and say "I pay things off" despite the fact I'm still coasting student-loan free. (Huzzah!)

"Good answer," says the man and exits the elevator.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO? BUY FERRARIS AND DO COKE?

I shoulda said I buy ferraris and do coke.

Pic unrelated: